The Challenges of Living with an ADD/HD Partner

I hope you will enjoy reading this new article. Over my 25 years of counseling couples, I have come to notice a higher degree of frustration and resentment with those couples having a partner with undiagnosed ADD. Once I was able to recognize that certain behaviours were due to ADD and not to a lack of interest or desire, it made a huge difference in the cooperation and motivation within the couple relationship.

Did you know that the divorce rate for a couple, when one partner has ADHD or ADD symptoms, has been found to be significantly higher than with couples not having this additional challenge?

Attention deficiency can bubble up in different ways, a distracted conversation or a seeming loss of interest or feeling neglected may have you second guessing your relationship. Due to the inconsistency in your spouse's ability to follow through and remember to do things, the feelings of being burdened with more than your fair share of responsibilities can create feelings of neglect and resentment. These feelings are toxic to any relationship.

Patterns of frustration and anger can be avoided when both partners understand the way the ADD symptoms are affecting your relationship. So many hardships of living with an ADHD partner come down to misunderstanding and a lack of strategies. The more you know about adults ADHD symptoms, the better you can avoid misunderstandings and overcome problems with communication, trust and intimacy.

Most partners who have ADD/HD don't even know they have the symptoms defining this diagnosis. Years ago, very few children were diagnosed with ADD/HD. Not having the diagnosis doesn't mean you don't have these challenges, it just means you don't know why you have found it so difficult to study, concentrate, follow through on things, get organized, be punctual and remember things. The downside of this, is many people feel shameful and guilty about their behaviours They have thought that the reason they were not successful was because they were inadequate, dumb, or just a failure. Had they known about the diagnosis they would not have grown up with these negative beliefs but would have understood that these challenges can be mastered in other ways and it is not their fault. ADD is a genetic condition and the behaviour that they manifest is due to the way their brain is wired. This information may have solved many arguments with their partners and bosses had they known this.

Maybe you know, work with, or live with someone who is:

• Frequently distracted
• Forgetful
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty concentrating
• Procrastinates
• Chronic lateness
• Difficulty maintaining job stability
• Easily agitated
• Impulsive behaviours
• Substance abuse or addictions
• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low frustration tolerance
• Disorganized
• Relationship issues
• Spacing out
• Too much clutter
• Not paying bills on time
• Obsessive or compulsive about things

These descriptions meet the criteria for the diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. Most of us have some of these challenges, yet we don't meet the criteria. Why is that? It is because it is the frequency and the severity of these issues that determine whether it is a momentary lapse in judgement, due to feeling overwhelmed or a chronic and continual way of life. The good news is there are tools and strategies that will help the ADD person to manage these challenges and become more successful.

The purpose of this article is not to "label" or blame anyone. We need to understand why people act in certain ways in order to support,teach and then empower them to be all that they can be.

The other important thing to know is that there are many brilliant and famous people who have been "labelled" as ADD and ADHD and these are how they are described:

• Having average or above average intelligence
• Very creative
• Passionate
• Energetic
• Thinking outside the box
• Constant flow of original ideas
• Intuitive
• Artistic
• Empathetic
• Inventive
• Sensitive
• Visionary
• Charming
• Sense of humour

Some famous people with this diagnosis are:

• Bill Gates
• Will Smith
• Jim Carey
• Robin Williams
• Albert Einstein
• Eleanor Roosevelt
• Abe Lincoln
• Mozart
• John Lennon

Not bad company to be in, is it? According to the Centre for ADHD/ADD Advocacy Canada, the most conservative estimates indicate ADHD affects more than one million Canadians.

Experts estimate 80% of children diagnosed with ADHD continue to meet the criteria for diagnosis in adolescence and more than 60% report symptoms in adulthood.

The statistics also suggest that for every child who is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD there is a strong possibility, between 35% - 50%, that at least one of his or her parents have it as well, but never received a diagnosis.

It is not necessary to have the official diagnosis in order to learn the skills and strategies to manage life's demands and deadlines in a more organized way. It is never too late to learn how to improve life's challenges, obstacles and frustrations through education, communication, and counseling.

Empowering Quote:

"It is not what happens to you that determines how far you go in life, it is what you do with what happens to you."

— Zig Ziglar

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